Coming Alongside — The True Face of Empathy

How do we support a person or a child when emotions are running high—when they’ve received bad news, are in a difficult situation, or are simply upset over something that doesn’t seem to “deserve” such a strong reaction?

So many people I know struggle with this question. The most sympathetic and kind individuals often just don’t know what to say. Others try to talk the person out of their feelings, hoping to make them feel better—but usually without success.

As a couples therapist and parent consultant, I often guide clients toward more supportive responses—ones that strengthen relationships, normalize the inner experiences of the other person (or child), and create space for emotional expression. These three components are, in my view, the building blocks of genuine emotional support—something every human being is capable of offering another. My hope is that this article summarizes these principles clearly and can serve as a practical reference guide.

So what do people really need from us—and what do they usually not need? And what role does empathy play in all of it?

My main argument is this: when people come to us with a problem, what they truly want and need is empathy. But what they usually get? You know it well—advice; personal stories; attempts to make the emotion go away with reassurances like “everything will be fine” or logic about how the situation isn’t that bad. In the worst cases, the listener’s own emotions take over and they react with fear or frustration.

This often happens—though I’ll generalize here, and you might not agree—because, as children, we rarely had the experience of our parents successfully handling our big emotions. We were often left alone with overwhelming emotional atmospheres, which we took personally—as children naturally do. This left us helpless, distressed, and unsupported in our painful emotions. Now, as adults, we’re forced to “reinvent the wheel” when it comes to facing other people’s emotional pain.

The good news is that we can begin to heal those childhood wounds by offering others—our children, partners, friends, and family—a different kind of presence. The more we stretch ourselves to respond differently, the more we grow. And with this growth comes the ability to offer that same empathy even to ourselves.

Scientists, psychologists, and others often disagree about what empathy is. So for the sake of clarity (and based on the Neufeld and Imago approaches I work with), I want to offer a working definition of empathy here:

When I am empathetic:

• I understand what the other person feels and why—or I try sincerely to make sense of it.

• I stay with the person. I don’t immediately shift to my own thoughts, feelings, or stories. I set them aside for later.

• I am moved by their emotions, but I can differentiate their feelings from mine. Their emotions don’t overwhelm me nor they seep  into me. My heart stays soft.

• I feel moved to help, but I recognize that true help often begins by simply making space for the person to express themselves.

This kind of presence is what Gordon Neufeld refers to as “coming alongside” someone. As you can see, this version of empathy is deeply complex and requires a high level of emotional maturity. In fact, offering this kind of empathy stretches us—and helps our emotional capacities grow.

Let’s explore the four components of empathy I’ve mentioned one by one:

1. Making Sense of Another Person

This can feel like an impossible task. But Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, founders of the Imago approach, offer a helpful starting point: begin your sentence with, “This makes sense to me because…” Then choose one of three routes:

A. Acknowledgment:

If the feelings are related to something I did:

“This makes sense to me because I acknowledge my role in what happened, and I can see how it might have felt that way for you.”

(Important note: acknowledging your role doesn’t mean admitting you were wrong. You can be right and still sorry for the emotional impact your actions had.)

B. Normalization through personal experience:

“This makes sense to me because I’ve felt something similar in a different situation, and I can relate to the intensity of what you’re feeling.”

(Just avoid examples where the other person was the source of your pain—this can feel like an attack.)

C. Normalization through general knowledge or shared understanding:

“This makes sense to me because when someone experiences X, it’s natural to feel Y. It’s even supported by [theory, research, cultural or spiritual belief].”

If we try to make sense of another person this way, they are more likely to feel heard, understood, accepted, and valued.

2. Staying with the Person

This is often the hardest part. Even experienced therapists sometimes default to giving advice or shifting the focus. Our best friends might begin telling their own stories instead of listening. These reactions are normal—but not optimal.

Carl Rogers suggested a different response “active listening.” We listen. We nod. We reflect what seems most important in the person’s words. We allow silence without rushing to fill it. We don’t distract, minimize, or shift the conversation. We stay curious, caring, and open. We don’t assume—we ask, we explore.

To keep our own emotions from overwhelming us, we also need regular routines and rituals that allow for emotional expression.

3. Staying soft hearted

Staying soft in the face of strong emotions is a matter of personal growth—not a personality trait. However, it’s often harder for highly sensitive people, who are more attuned to others’ emotional states.

But steps one and two help here. If we understand what’s going on and don’t take it personally, we’re less likely to feel threatened or become defensive. We can view the other person’s emotional intensity not as an attack, but as distress they are trying to process.

It also helps to remember that emotions are not dangerous. Contrary to the common belief that expressing emotions can make things worse, Neufeld teaches that emotional health problems come from too much emotion combined with too little feeling. When feelings are felt and emotions are expressed, even if it looks messy, that’s actually a sign of emotional health.

4. Not Changing the Situation (Right Away)

When a loved one is struggling, our first impulse is often to fix things. And yes, some situations do require intervention—like when a child is being bullied. We must act when it’s our responsibility to protect.

But many situations—death, illness, loss, rejection—cannot be fixed. In others change is possible, but only the person suffering can make it. They may not yet feel able or ready. In these cases, what they most need is space: to cry, grieve, be angry, and feel the injustice of it all.

Even when change is needed, supportive responses can ease the pain. People who are allowed to grieve are less likely to be traumatized. Grief is often the only way forward when life is unchangeable. And when change must come from the person themselves, pushing can backfire. Strangely enough, it’s often after tears and acceptance that people find their way through. As Neufeld says, this is the process of adaptation—a natural pathway from adversity to resilience.

By staying with the person in these difficult feelings, we don’t leave them alone, making it easier to feel and supporting them on their path to the other side of futility.

In Summary

Empathy is not a quick fix. It’s not about soothing emotions away or solving problems. It’s about coming alongside—being with someone in their pain without judgment, without rushing, and without losing yourself in the process.

If this approach to empathy speaks to you—whether as a parent, a teacher, or a helping professional—you might appreciate exploring Neufeld Institute course, The Natural Roots of Empathy.

Author: Lina Vizelman

Photo: Mimi Thian